


Between the Lies

by inquisitor_tohru



Series: The Travellers in the Dark [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Porn, Blow Jobs, Canon-Typical Violence, Daddy Issues, Dissociation, Identity Issues, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, There is going to be a lot of angst okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:03:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5809261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inquisitor_tohru/pseuds/inquisitor_tohru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life as a new radar technician in Starkiller Base is already difficult enough...and then General Hux takes an interest in Matt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

His wig itched, his glasses were a nuisance and the technician’s jumpsuit was, frankly, awful. It was Kylo Ren’s first day masquerading as “Matt”, a lowly radar technician, and he was already having to deal with General Hux glancing suspiciously at him as he demanded that the camera crew explain their presence. 

“It’s for a recruitment vid, General,” one of the crew told him. “One aimed towards those applying for entry-level positions.”

“Very well,” he said, his gaze settling once again on Matt. “But make sure to amend the part that names Ren as the commander of Starkiller Base. It’s… _inaccurate_.”

“Of course. Before you leave, might I take this opportunity to ask – what do _you_ think of Kylo Ren?” His eyes narrowed.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I- I’m sorry, General. I spoke out of turn. You must be very busy, I’ll let you get on.” Matt repressed the urge to roll his eyes. He couldn’t believe these people were _frightened_ of Hux. _Pathetic._

“See that you don’t disrupt my employees’ work,” he sighed, seemingly bored with the whole affair. Matt barely remembered to salute as the General turned to leave, only reminded by Hux’s piercing stare.

 

* * *

 

The next time Matt saw Hux was in his office.

“This…looks like someone just ripped the wires out.”

“ _Excellent_ observational skills, technician,” Hux said, intent on avoiding Matt’s eyes for some reason. “Regardless of _how_ it came about, I need it fixed. These things cost an arm and a leg to replace.” 

“Maybe you should ask someone else to do it,” he objected. “I mean…radars are my speciality.”

“Then this console should be a simple job for you.” His tone was even, but Matt could sense the growing irritation bubbling underneath. He resisted the urge to skim through Hux’s thoughts, for the time being, and kneeled beside the console to examine the damage.

Of course, he’d seen _much_ worse, but he hadn’t been the one who had to think about replacing or fixing it. He felt a very _slight_ pang of guilt for all the consoles he’d ruined, but before long that was replaced by annoyance.

“It’s difficult to work with you watching me, _General._ ”

“I imagine it would be, but you don’t appear to be _doing_ any work.” This time he sounded amused, rather than annoyed. It was bizarre. Once again, he considered sifting through Hux’s mind and decided against it. Even if Hux was less familiar with the Force than himself, it was highly unlikely that he would remain completely unaware of such an intrusive process. He didn’t want to get caught, and part of him worried at what he might find.

“I, um, need to consult with my supervisor. The problem is more complicated that I first thought,” he said, almost tripping in his hurry to get to his feet. “I’ll…be right back.”

After rushing out of the office, he spent a good hour in the staff room reading an electronics manual. He refused to be made a fool of by Hux and his bloody console. He _would_ fix this if it was the last thing he did.

“Matt!” _Shit._ It was his supervisor. “Don’t you _check_ your messages? There’s a calcinator that’s needed rewiring for a good half hour, so get your ass moving!”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, glaring. Didn’t they have any _other_ technicians? He checked his messages for the location, and wearily headed over. He arrived to find an irate woman shoving a tool bag towards him in a vaguely threatening manner.

“It’s real easy. All you’ve gotta do is rewire the calcinator.”

“So, remove…” He probed around, hoping to find something obviously out of place. That proved much more difficult than he had expected. “…This?”

“Does that _look_ like the calcinator? What’s _wrong_ with you? Why’s it so hard for you to understand?”

“I- I don’t know, but can you please stop yelling at me? You’re starting to stress me out…” He could feel the anger pulsing through his veins at an alarming rate, threatening to overflow at any moment.

“Okay,” she said, calmer. “Now, can we rewire it please? So I can go have my muffin.” _Muffins? Was this woman serious?_ “I haven’t had my muffin yet, _Matt._ ” He did not much care for the way she said his name, as if it were something unpleasant one might find on the sole of one’s boot. Thankfully, she left – presumably in search of her precious muffin. He shut his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts and remember what he read in the manual-

“Whaddup, Matt?” He opened his eyes in time to see a Stormtrooper _very deliberately_ knock his wrench away from him.

“Hey, you kicked my wrench!” This day just got _better and better_. “Jerk-face…” He closed his eyes again for a moment, blinking away tears before turning to retrieve the tool. It wasn’t there.

“You seemed to have misplaced this.” The wrench was held in General Hux’s outstretched hand. _Oh, fuck. The console._

“Thank you, General,” he muttered. “I, um, got roped into this job on my way back to your office.” Perhaps Hux wasn’t _so_ bad. He almost laughed – was he _really_ thinking that?

“Be back in no more than ten minutes,” was all Hux said before heading in the direction of his office. Matt decided that rewiring the calcinator would have to wait. By some miracle Hux still hadn’t recognised him, and he _really_ didn’t want to get on his bad side.


	2. Chapter 2

General Hux always kept an eye on suspicious individuals, and _Matt_ was certainly that. His disguise was far too poor for this to be a Resistance infiltration – Hux could _see_ long dark hairs peeking out from beneath that ridiculous wig – but that did not mean that it was not worth investigating. For whatever reason, this radar technician was attempting to hide his identity from _somebody._ Perhaps he was somebody’s son or nephew. His voice _was_ familiar. There were a few ex-Imperials who had high standing but were nevertheless considered somewhat controversial by certain factions in the First Order…and that _would_ account for his apparent lack of competency.

He scrolled through the employee data. Matt’s entry was very recent, but he _was_ a new recruit so there was nothing abnormal about that. His photo ID grinned up at Hux, sporting the same ill-fitting wig and glasses that he had become accustomed to. Foolishly, he wished that sullen radar technician smiled more. It suited him. After a few seconds, Hux realised he had been staring at the image and resumed scrolling. Well, _that_ was certainly interesting. What business did _Kylo Ren_ have hiring technicians? This, too, could account for Matt’s level of ability. Ren, capricious as he was, often seemed to do bizarre things for the most nonsensical reasons. He had long since given up on trying to work out what went through the man’s mind, having come to the conclusion that he was most likely better off not knowing. His time was best spent, as his father would have said, learning from his _enemies._

 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren carefully adjusted his mask. Even if he had only been playing the part of Matt for a few days, putting it back on came with an odd sense of claustrophobia. His face felt slightly too warm, and a few strands of hair lay uncomfortably against his forehead. He wondered what to think of the fact that no one appeared to have noticed his lack of presence. Perhaps they merely assumed he was on a mission. That seemed likely. The General, of course, knew better. He didn’t much feel like finding out what it was that Hux wanted with him, but he didn’t have much of a choice. It would seem strange for him not to show his face, figuratively speaking. The last time he – well, _Matt_ – had seen Hux had been thoroughly humiliating. It had taken him three hours to fix the console _with_ the manual at hand. He’d been expecting Hux to yell at him, but for some reason, he hadn’t seemed particularly bothered that the repairs were taking _much_ longer than was reasonable. The whole situation had been…weird.

He strode through Starkiller’s pristine corridors with confidence and purpose as he made his way to General Hux’s office. The Stormtroopers on duty saw only _Kylo Ren,_ radiating power, certainty and _hope,_ and nothing of the uncertainty simmering beneath the layers of darkness that enveloped the man behind the mask. As always, he entered Hux’s office without announcing himself. He tried to avoid looking at the console, some of its wires still poking out at odd angles.

“Ren,” Hux nodded without looking up from his datapad.

“General.” He’d forgotten how the helmet drained much of the emotion from his voice. “We may as well get straight to business. To what do I owe this _pleasure?”_

“One of the radar technicians…” Hux began, still focussed on the datapad. “Matt – he doesn’t seem to have provided a family name – there are a number of…idiosyncrasies.” Kylo Ren’s expression froze beneath the mask. _He knows._

“Idiosyncrasies?” he repeated, keeping his tone neutral. 

“Indeed. You hired him, correct?” Very lightly, he touched Hux’s consciousness with his own, unable to perceive any real trace of malice. Instead, he felt a peculiar warmth. Of course, he was not the source of that – not really. It had to be the only other person present.

_Matt._

“I am responsible for Matt’s recruitment,” he said cautiously. “I…felt remorse for the equipment I damaged, and you have yourself expressed, on numerous occasions, wishes to employ more repairmen since my joining the First Order. Does he _displease_ you, General?” Hux’s expression may not have given anything away, but this time that feeling surged like wildfire across Kylo Ren’s consciousness until he felt as if he might suffocate beneath the mask.

“I was merely curious.”

“If your curiosity is _quite_ satisfied, I have other business to attend to.”

“No doubt you do, _Lord Ren,_ ” Hux muttered, waving him out of his office. It appeared that something else on his datapad had drawn his attention.

Kylo Ren left the office, entering the corridor with long, deliberate strides, his cape fluttering gracefully behind him as Stormtroopers stepped aside, bowing their heads slightly. He was walking quickly, but his legs felt heavy and time moved like treacle. When at last he was safely within the confines of his own quarters the first thing he did was remove his mask, inhaling deeply when he felt the cool air on his lips. His next course of action, equally dramatic, was to vomit on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ben is thirteen and a bright, tender feeling envelops him as he sheathes his lightsaber. Pride, love, **weakness** all threaten to burst from his Master’s chest but he’s happy, however fleeting the feeling may be._

That was the last time Kylo Ren had experienced something akin to the warmth he’d felt when he touched Hux’s mind. Yet somehow that had seemed much more intimate. He supposed that he had grown unaccustomed to such emotions. The feeling most associated with _Kylo Ren_ on Starkiller Base was _fear._ To be sure, there was contempt, too. He had seen the defaced posters in the cafeteria again, after he’d _specifically_ requested that they be taken down. Or, at least Matt had. Nevertheless, people were _afraid_ of Kylo Ren.

_Except Hux._

Even so, when he’d asked that question he’d perceived _something._ It had lingered beneath the intense, fiery feeling that had overwhelmed him and so, until now, he hadn’t been quite sure what that _something_ had been. Hux, or at least some small part of Hux, was afraid of _Matt._ It was interesting…or it would be if he were able to understand it. What threat could someone who was, at least as far as Hux was aware, a mere radar technician pose to the General of the First Order?

Kylo Ren sighed, adjusting Matt’s glasses and making sure the wig was straight. It was hard to stomach but General Hux had, however unintentionally, piqued his interest.

_Just as Matt had piqued his._

 

* * *

 

Not long after ripping the wires out of the console for the third or fourth time, Hux felt the beginnings of a headache and made the decision to swallow his last two painkillers before it develops. He couldn’t afford any _further_ distractions. Looking at the wires again, he felt another wave of embarrassment – he’d actually _dreamed_ about that bloody radar technician last night. It was the sort of dream that he ought not to reflect on during his working hours, but that was extremely difficult given how very _vivid_ parts of it had been.

_Attachment is **weakness** , _his father had told him countless times. It wasn’t that he was _attached_ to Matt though. He barely even knew him. He simply found himself amused by some of the man’s mannerisms, even though such incompetency normally infuriated him, and found him relatively pleasant to look at. _Pleasant enough that you thought about him extensively this morning while…pleasuring yourself,_ his treacherous mind recalled. Of course, it was at the moment he was reminded of his earlier…indulgence that Matt arrived, and Hux was flustered enough that he didn’t notice the technician hadn’t bothered to knock.

“ _General_ ,” he nodded towards the wires. “Did someone…rip these out again?” 

“Yes.”

“Um… Why?” Hux really wished Matt would stop doing that thing with his lips. He had to be doing it on purpose, didn’t he? It was most _bothersome._

“How should I know?” Matt shrugged and bent over the console. He seemed almost as distracted as Hux was, and for a couple of seconds he could have sworn he saw the other man blush. It must have been the light. Hux decided to change the subject.

“You…seem familiar. Might I have met your father?” Matt snorted.

“Jerk-face. I- I mean my father, not you. _He’s_ the jerk-face.” _That_ was something Hux could relate to. “I don’t think you’d know him. No, I really don’t.”

“I see.” Perhaps his father hadn’t been a former Imperial after all. Either way, it hardly mattered.

“What about _your_ father?” Hux stiffened. That was a question he had _not_ been prepared for.

“I thought everyone here knew who my father was,” he replied, trying to sound casual. Matt’s repairs were progressing well this time, he noted, with a sinking feeling. He didn’t even seem to need to read the manual anymore. 

“Sure,” Matt said slowly, swapping one tool for another. “But I don’t know much _about_ him.” Clearly Matt could _not_ take a hint.

“He served in the Imperial military, was the Commandant of the Arkanis Academy-“ 

“General, that’s…not what I meant.” Matt paused, no doubt suddenly aware that he, a newly recruited radar technician, had just interrupted _General Hux._ “I’ll…just finish the repairs.” _And then I probably won’t see him again._ There were only so many times he could sabotage his own console before it became ridiculous, if it hadn’t already. The thought brought with it more regret than he was entirely comfortable with.

“Perhaps that would be best.” Matt did have a pleasant voice and in some ways it would be a shame for him to stop talking, but at least Hux could still enjoy the view. The jumpsuit might not have been the height of fashion, but somehow it was strangely flattering to the hips and-

“All done. Hopefully it’ll stay intact this time,” he grinned. “You know, General…if you want to spend time with me I wouldn’t be averse to getting a drink sometime.”


	4. Chapter 4

Matt smiled as he strolled through the corridors that afternoon, even after having to spend a good two hours tinkering with faulty radios _and_ reporting to his supervisor.

“You fix those radios yet, Matt?”

“Yes, and…I stopped by the cafeteria,” he said, awkwardly handing her a small paper bag. It contained not one, but _two_ double chocolate chip muffins. She looked a lot less intimidating when she was smiling.

“Good work. You’ve really stepped up your game the last few days. And…thanks for the muffins. You even got my favourites!” 

“Thank you- I mean, you’re welcome. And thank you,” he muttered, fidgeting with his glasses.

“Well, I think everything _seems_ to be running smoothly at the moment, so if you wanna go take a coffee break or something…just keep an eye on your messages this time.”

“Okay, sure.” He headed off towards the cafeteria again. The food wasn’t anything special – he _still_ didn’t understand what was so damn good about the muffins – but the coffee was decent enough that he’d felt bad about destroying the machine on his first day. Of course, it hadn’t helped that _he’d_ been the one expected to fix it.

The cafeteria was quieter than it had been earlier since most employees had finished their lunch breaks by now, but he spotted Zack and…that annoying stormtrooper whose name he could never remember. He ordered a black coffee, wondering if he’d be coming back here later in the day. Did General Hux even eat in the cafeteria? He couldn’t imagine it. 

“Hey.” He set his coffee cup down and sat beside Zack.

“Hi, Matt. You seem in a good mood.”

“Don’t tell me – you and your buddy saw _Kylo Ren_.” That stormtrooper thought he was _so_ funny.

“No, actually, although that would _also_ have been really cool.” He paused a moment, for dramatic effect. “I have a _date._ ” 

“A date,” the stormtrooper repeated. “Do _they_ know you’re in love with Kylo Ren?”

“I’m _not_ in love with Kylo Ren,” he spat. “Why would you even think that? That’s so _weird._ ”

“Well, I think that’s really great, Matt,” Zack chimed in. “It must be hard to start dating again after a divorce – even if it was your decision to separate. This is a really brave thing you’re doing, I really admire that.”

“Yes! _Very hard._ Thank you, Zack,” he replied, glaring at the stormtrooper.

“Well, okay then. Who _is_ this date of yours?” Matt’s lips twisted into a smile.

“That’s _classified._ ”

 

* * *

  

Hux was still in his office, sipping a glass of whisky. Matt was due to arrive in around ten minutes. Why, oh _why,_ had he agreed to such an invitation? _Because you wanted to,_ his thoughts whispered. He _had_ been working hard lately. Hux wasn’t a man inclined towards hedonism, but even he needed to allow himself to indulge on occasion. He _deserved_ this.

Although it was cold, he shrugged his greatcoat from his shoulders and slid his hands out of his leather gloves. He considered undoing his top button, but decided against it – he didn’t want to look _too_ casual. In any case, it had become rather obvious that Matt was not somebody easily intimidated, either by Hux himself or by his co-workers. He’d even heard a bizarre (and obviously _fabricated_ ) story about him getting his hands on Kylo Ren’s lightsaber and swinging it around in front of some of the Stormtroopers.

He glanced up when he heard the doors open. Matt had clearly come straight from work, since he was still wearing that unexpectedly flattering jumpsuit, and was clutching something in his right hand.

“I, um, brought you some chocolates,” he said quietly. “I hope they’re to your liking, General.” Hux raised an eyebrow as the small box was handed to him, curious as to how he’d known about his fondness for dark chocolate. Matt’s fingers, warm and surprisingly gentle, brushed against his own. 

“Thank you. They are. I hope whisky is to _your_ liking, Matt.”

“It is,” Matt laughed softly. He perched on the edge of the desk next to Hux as he watched him pour a second glass. “You called me _Matt._ ”

“And what’s so amusing about that?” He took another sip from his own glass.

“I think this is the first time you’ve called me by that name. I…like it.”

“Good to know.” Hux could feel the colour rising in his cheeks, and busied himself with pouring himself another drink. That laugh and that _thing_ he did with his lips should be _illegal._

“Can I ask you-“

“As long as it’s not about Kylo Ren or my father, ask away… _Matt._ ” He wondered if the other man’s heart was beating a little faster, as his was. The corners of Matt’s mouth twitched again.

“How was the rest of your afternoon?” It wasn’t a particularly odd question, and yet it _was._ Hux couldn’t recall the last time someone had asked him that, and he wasn’t entirely sure how he ought to answer.

“Busy, but…productive.” Should he ask about Matt’s day? “What about yours?”

“Hmm…the same. I listened to part of one of your speeches,” he said, looking a little embarrassed for some reason. “While I was fixing the radios. It was…good.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Matt was a very puzzling man. For all his boldness, he often came across as incredibly awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin.

“Yeah,” he said, finishing his whiskey. “I thought I should tell you. You have a…really good voice.”

“Thank you. I’ve…had a lot of practice.” He poured them each another whiskey and they sat in silence for a few minutes, stealing glances at one another as they sipped their drinks. Matt was fiddling with his glasses, which seemed to sit a little uncomfortably on his nose and kept slipping down. Hux sighed.

“Why do you wear those?” he eventually asked, indicating both the glasses and the wig with one smooth gesture. “I can tell you don’t _need_ them.” 

“I, um…” He looked down, biting his lip. “I don’t really like how I look.” _Seriously?_

“Show me,” Hux said, as gently as he could manage. Matt ran his long fingers through the blonde curls, as if considering the request.

“Okay.” Without warning, he slid from the desk into Hux’s lap. It was a little surprising, but far from what he’d call an _unpleasant_ development. Bringing his face closer to Hux’s, he removed the glasses, and then the wig…revealing luscious dark hair, tied in a loose bun.

“I know I’m…kind of odd-looking, but-” He’d been waiting long enough. Hux grabbed him by the collar and kissed him, entangling his fingers in that long, sleek hair. He felt a strange, ghostlike touch against his cheek for a moment, before it was replaced by Matt’s hand. It was probably the whisky. He was more concerned with ignoring the all too familiar warmth in the pit of his stomach – for the time being, at least.

“Then I’m not _averse_ to oddness,” he murmured, and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who's left kudos or taken the time to comment - I really appreciate it and it's lovely to know there are people enjoying this :)


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey, Matt…how was your imaginary date?”

“It was fine, and very non-imaginary _, thank you_.” The stormtooper glanced at Zack, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, don’t mind him,” Zack chuckled. Matt couldn’t ever recall seeing him in a bad mood. “He just upset because he hasn’t had a date in three years.”

“It hasn’t been _that_ long. You know, I just find it hard to imagine that Matt has found someone he likes even more than _Kylo Ren._ ”

“I already told you,” Matt groaned. “I’m not… _interested_ in him.”

“Then who _are_ you interested in? Is it someone we know?” He snorted.

“He’s a very high-ranking officer, far too important to bother speaking to someone like _you._ ” The stormtrooper decided to ignore the insult.

“Do you know who he is, Zack?” The other man shrugged, glancing through statistics or some such nonsense on his datapad. “He’s making this up. A high-ranking officer and a _radar technician?_ Sounds like some kinda fantasy from a romance novel or something.” Matt’s eyes scanned the cafeteria for a few seconds before proceeding to undo his top two buttons, revealing a dark purple bruise. Seeing the other men so taken aback, he allowed himself a rare smile, radiating an uncharacteristic confidence.

“Does _this_ look made up?”

 

* * *

 

As irritating as the teasing had been, Matt would have gladly spent more time in the cafeteria with his co-workers if he could have done. He was finding it so difficult to focus on his work during the afternoon that he even began to consider meditating, though he wasn’t sure it would have helped much anyway. Patience had never been one of his virtues, though his uncle had been patient with _him_ all the same.

 _No._ It would not do to think back to those times. He may not be able to concentrate on laying cables properly, but he could at least turn his attention back to the soft-edged memories of the previous evening. He’d been surprised at how warm Hux’s lips had been when they first touched his, even more so at the gentle firmness of his tongue, and most of all when he’d felt his erection pressing against his thigh. The General was supposed to a _cold,_ ruthless, efficient _machine._ A fortnight ago he – _Kylo Ren –_ would have sworn that even the least sophisticated droids in the base had significantly higher levels of emotional intelligence than Hux. But that was before he’d listened, _really_ listened, to his speeches, before he’d kissed him, before he’d unintentionally allowed his consciousness to overlap with Hux’s for a moment that was both fleeting and infinite.

And, against all odds, he’d actually wanted to see him again…and _he_ wanted to see Hux. Remembering the way Hux had tried to sound casual when he’d invited him to his quarters the following night made Matt smile again, even when he realised his wrench had been kicked aside again by that same jerk-face Stormtrooper. Unfortunately he had to retrieve it himself this time. After picking up the wrench, he checked his watch and sighed. Only a few minutes had passed since he’d last looked. Still consumed with restlessness, he began to realise what the problem was. 

He was _nervous._

A Knight of Ren wouldn’t be anxious, would he? But _Kylo Ren_ wasn’t the person who’d boldly requested Hux’s company. _Kylo Ren_ wasn’t the person who had, in no uncertain terms, been invited into the General’s bed. That person was Matt, and he was no great knight of legend…merely an awkward, fumbling, inexperienced radar technician _._ It was easy enough to brag in front of his co-workers in the cafeteria, because they didn’t know that he wasn’t _really_ divorced or that until _very_ recently, aside from a couple of clumsy kisses, most of his romantic knowledge was derived from his – _Ben’s_ – uncle’s lively tales of Jedi knights and senators, smugglers and princesses. Force-sensitivity offered him a small advantage in allowing him some sense of his partner’s wants and needs, but it was no substitute for real experience.

And that, of course, was only the beginning of his problems.

“Matt?” He turned around to see one of the film crew beckoning him. He’d become so desensitized to their presence recently that they often slipped his mind.

“Are you done filming for today?”

“Yes, but…” She paused, fidgeting with the piece of silver jewellery encircling her wrist – a watch perhaps, or a bracelet – as her eyes scanned the corridor for other employees. “I wanted to speak with you about the big reveal, the _bombshell,_ as it were.” 

“Oh.” Naturally, he’d been expecting this since filming began, but had a week passed _already_? “Okay. What about it?”

“We were thinking it might be a good idea for you to make the announcement in the cafeteria, since we’ve got a lot of decent footage of you and your friends there, _and_ it’s where you first introduced yourself as Matt.” He nodded slowly. Part of him was relieved – he had no doubt that Hux would, unfortunately, hear about it, but at least he was unlikely to actually _be_ in the cafeteria. 

“Friends?” he wondered out loud, watching her fingers drum against her datapad.

“Well, the best footage is with Zack, obviously. You two made a real connection.” Would Zack still think of him that way? When he knew that Kylo Ren had been the one to murder his son? Worst was the thought that he might continue behave courteously towards him only out of fear. _At least you needn’t worry about_ **that** _with Hux,_ he reminded himself, like a crossbow bolt to the stomach. 

“So…when?”

“Tomorrow.”

“You mean the day _after_ tomorrow.” She didn’t seem to notice the subtle flick of his wrist.

“I mean the day _after_ tomorrow,” she repeated. One more day wasn’t much, but it was something.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's NSFW...and longer than expected. Hope you enjoy, and once again, thank you for the kudos and lovely comments - I almost feel bad that I may be about to break a few hearts, though you were warned ;)

Hux should probably have felt anxious about the fact he hadn’t seen Kylo Ren much recently, but he didn’t. He felt exceptionally calm as he entered the specifications for the new training simulation, hopeful even, that this further ensure that there would not be a repeat of the situation with FN-2187. He normally tried not to think about the rogue stormtrooper, but it was easier said than done when there were rumours that he, now going by the name of _Finn,_ had become even more involved in the affairs of the Resistance.

 _Finn._ He clearly wasn’t using the name to deceive or to maintain any pretence of anonymity, so what purpose did it serve? Did the name hold some sort of significance? Ren had once used a different name, long ago, one that the Supreme Leader had forbidden any of them from speaking. He recalled his mother telling him a tale about an emperor who made his subjects loyal by taking their true names from them. Even as a boy, Hux had understood that it was just that – a tale. Nevertheless…

He was getting distracted. 

He might not have been feeling as stressed as usual, but his mind was restless. He read through the information he’d entered one last time, completing a couple of small alterations as he did so, before setting the datapad aside. He was ahead of schedule anyway, and would have ample time to go over it again later – likely _after_ he’d seen Matt. He let out a small noise that sounded like something between a sigh and a laugh. He hadn’t woken up with a hangover, but it was entirely possible that he may have had a little too much to drink the previous night.

It was also entirely possible that he was glad of that. 

Now he only had one more task to complete before leaving his office – he’d managed to persuade the film crew to give him access to some of their “exclusive footage”. After they’d already made the mistake of referring to _Kylo Ren_ as the sole commander of Starkiller Base, he had little faith in their ability to accurately represent the First Order’s values. He was fairly sure he was going to find the holovid terribly cringe-worthy, but he supposed he’d better get it over with and watch the damned thing.

 

* * *

 

As Hux approached him in the corridor outside his quarters, Matt’s skin turned to gooseflesh and he shuddered at a sudden unpleasant prickling sensation. Moments afterwards, he noticed that Hux’s hands were shaking.

“Are you…unwell, General?” He’d hesitated before speaking. He’d experienced the ripples of Hux’s frustrations, his anger, on previous occasions, but there was something strange about this feeling. It was unnerving.

“No,” Hux replied, his tone and expression perfectly calm as he raised a gloved hand to smooth his hair. To most observers, it would have appeared as if nothing were wrong – that was, until he moved a little _too_ close to Matt, whose back was now pressed firmly against the cold metal wall. His lips almost brushed against Matt’s cheek as he spoke, very quietly. “The film crew so very generously gave me some… _interesting_ footage to review.”

 _Oh, shit._ Matt looked down at the ground – it was difficult for his features to remain expressionless when he was being bombarded with emotions born of two separate minds, and he didn’t want Hux to see what was in his eyes.

“Oh.” He tried to keep his tone neutral, but it came out flat, disinterested.

“Oh,” Hux repeated, still speaking in that unsettlingly soft tone. “Tell me, _Matt._ Were you actually interested in me, or has all this been a game to you?”

Ignoring his growing discomfort as the sour feeling intensified, Matt slowly traced the outline of Hux’s cheekbone with his fingers while his thumb lingered over his mouth, carefully parting his lips before he leaned forward to kiss him. The unpleasant sensation dissipated as gloved fingers intertwined with his and gently squeezed when he pulled back… much sooner than he would have liked. There were no patrols currently scheduled in this area of the base, but after spending time with his co-workers, he was well aware that the stormtroopers were not always where they were _supposed_ to be, and did not much like the idea of having an audience.

“Does that answer your question?” Hux lifted his free hand to the fingerprint scanner beside the door, aligning the tip of his index finger with the ultrasonic sensor. His lips twisted into a thin smile as the door opened, and led Matt into the room. It was perhaps a little larger than the other officers’ quarters in order to accommodate his workspace, but otherwise nothing special, other than the fact that it was where _the General himself_ slept, of course. 

“It’s a good start.” Hux made sure the door was fully closed before letting himself be pushed back against the wall. He sighed softly as Matt’s lips pressed against his throat. “But I’m sure you could do a _better_ job of convincing me.”

Matt laughed a little as he continued devoting his attention to Hux’s neck. Somehow, everything had gone so much more smoothly than he’d presumed. He didn’t have to worry about it anymore _._ He didn’t have to _pretend._ Matt, Kylo Ren, _hell,_ maybe even Ben – Hux wanted _him_. Relief washed over him as he began to unbutton the General’s shirt, his lips lazily following his fingers.

“No visible marks,” Hux mumbled, tossing the wig aside to run his fingers through _Kylo Ren’s_ hair. The glasses had gone, too, though neither of them could recall removing them. “No name-calling, no hair-pulling, and no _weapons._ Condoms and lube are in the top drawer next to the bed.” Ren paused for a second. _Weapons? Did that really need specifying?_

“You’d be surprised,” he said, as if he were the one able to read minds.

“You’ve done this before.” Hux smirked.

“Not recently.” Somehow, Ren didn’t find _that_ surprising.

“I haven’t,” he admitted, sinking to his knees so that his lips grazed against Hux’s stomach, brushing over fine red hairs. Hux was quiet for a few seconds and Ren was positive he _felt_ that insufferable bastard smirk again.

“I’ll be sure to give instructions if it’s deemed necessary.” Ren rolled his eyes at him and abruptly pulled those ridiculous trousers down to his knees. He’d thought that might catch him off-guard enough to stop him from being so unbearably smug for just _one_ moment. As it turned out, Ren was the one caught off-guard.

He wasn’t quite sure what he’d been expecting. “Shredded” was certainly not a word he’d have ever thought to associate with General Hux, but neither had he anticipated such a slender, almost _vulnerable_ body that looked as though it had been carved from marble, then peppered with freckles and striking red hair.

“Don’t just stare.” He sounded irritated, but Ren sensed more that a little self-consciousness. He shuffled closer, bringing his lips to the inside of Hux’s thigh, eliciting a muffled moan.

“I’ve barely even touched you,” Ren smiled. “It really _must_ have been a long time if someone as _inexperienced_ as me can-”

“Shut up,” he groaned, grabbing a fistful of dark hair. Still grinning, Ren resumed gently nibbling, sucking and planting kisses on the smooth, pale flesh. He winced when Hux gave a sharp tug of his hair.

“No marks.”

“You said no _visible_ marks,” Ren objected. It was hardly as though Hux was going to wander around Starkiller Base with his thighs on show. The First Order’s uniform regulations were _very_ clear about that sort of thing.

“Does that look _in_ visible to you?”

“Understood, _General,_ ” he replied, right before looking directly into Hux’s eyes and wrapping his lips around the tip of his cock. Judging by the reaction, he must have done at least _something_ right. Slowly, he ran his tongue over the head, grateful that Hux had loosened the grip on his hair, allowing him to move at a comfortable pace.

“Does that…feel good?” He cringed at the note of uncertainty in his own voice. Evidently it had been obvious enough to prompt Hux to start stroking his hair reassuringly.

“Yes, that’s…nice.” He took the hand Ren had placed on his hip and brought it to his cock, using his hand to guide him. As he watched, wondering how often the General pleasured himself like this and whether he’d ever thought about him, Ren felt his own erection straining against ‘Matt’s’ poorly constructed jumpsuit. He continued to mimic the rhythm when Hux’s fingers disentangled themselves from his, attempting to match that pace as he gingerly took him in his mouth again.

Hux seemed to be enjoying himself, though Ren suspected it would have been difficult for him to tell without Force sensitivity. Hux occasionally let a small gasp slip from his lips or spoke to offer encouragement, but most of the men Ren had seen in holovids were rather more _vocal_ , sometimes to the extent where he considered it off-putting. Still, he didn’t think he’d be _so_ opposed to hearing Hux cry out like that.

“Matt, I’m…” _Matt?_ He hadn’t expected Hux would be into roleplaying _…_ or perhaps he’d simply become used to calling him that. He _had_ told him he’d liked it, after all. He glanced up at Hux when he felt his thighs begin to tremble, watching him bite his lip as he met his gaze, barely making a noise as he came in Ren’s mouth.

Ren swallowed and tentatively licked his lips. It tasted neither as amazing as the holovids made out, nor as terrible as one of the canteen staff had claimed.

“Was that okay?” When he looked up again he noticed the blood on Hux’s bottom lip.

“Room for improvement, but I suppose it wasn’t a _complete_ waste of my time.” When he grinned the bleeding worsened, dribbling down his chin.

“Perhaps I’d benefit from a practical demonstration. Preferably in the near future.” When he got to his feet, Ren used the jumpsuit’s sleeve to wipe the blood away. “Thought you said ‘no marks’, _General.”_

“Shut up and get on the bed.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut. And angst. Enjoy ;)

The wall was pleasantly cool against his back. The last time he’d checked it was 0400 hours, but Hux couldn’t be sure how long ago that had been. He’d probably had about three hours sleep. He didn’t care. He’d managed to function with less on previous occasions. He wrapped his legs around Matt’s waist, still amused by the timid request for him to keep his boots on.

“Harder,” he mumbled into Matt’s shoulder. “No, not _faster_.”

“S-sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” He’d meant his tone to be reassuring, but realised it sounded more like an order. He pressed his lips against Matt’s throat and spoke more gently. “I know you’re not psychic.”

“I think I can read _some_ of your thoughts,” he smiled, tilting his head to kiss him, pushing his tongue between Hux’s lips. His movements had become less erratic as the night wore on. Matt was an exceptionally quick learner; he’d give him that. “What _would_ the other officers think of you letting _me_ have you against the wall like this?” Hux almost laughed.

“ _Letting_ you? You’re here because _I_ want you to be.” His confidence was somewhat undermined when the increasing intensity of Matt’s thrusts drew out an undignified whimper. Somehow, over the course of one night, a radar technician with whom he’d been acquainted for less than a _week_ had succeeded in realising _exactly_ what he liked in bed…or against the wall…or bent over his desk…

“Are you close?” he whispered, his lips brushing against Hux’s ear. “I…fuck, you look so… _perfect_.”

“…Yes.” Before he’d finished speaking the word, he felt something snap and shatter inside himself, revealing itself when it escaped his lips as an overwrought moan. He sank his teeth into his lip and buried his face into Matt’s shoulder again to muffle the noise, only faintly aware of the dampness around his eyes, too distracted by the violent tremors of climax.

 

* * *

 

 

“Matt. _Matt._ ” Someone was shaking him. He opened his eyes slowly, taking in the too-bright light of the cafeteria.

“Mmph.” He squinted and rubbed his eyes, still not lifting his head from the table.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Matt? That’s the _third_ time you’ve dozed off.” _Zack._

“Yeah, I’m just…really tired. I didn’t sleep much last night.” He attempted a wink before realising that Zack couldn’t actually see his face from that position.

“Well, if you say so...” Matt readjusted so that his head rested on his arm and he faced Zack. “But I’m not dragging you to the sick bay if you pass out.” 

“That’s fine,” the stormtrooper chuckled. Matt groaned internally. _Of course_ he was here, too. “I’m sure his buddy Kylo Ren could carry him since he’s so _shredded._ ”

“He _is_ ,” Matt murmured. His body seemed to be shifting away from reality and his eyelids felt as if they were made of lead. He wondered if Zack had the same problems when he had the chance to go home to his wife, but he didn’t want to ask in front of _him._ He couldn’t understand how Hux had managed to be awake, showered and dressed by 0630 hours, without even the smallest trace of fatigue showing in his posture. _Hux…_

…Hux had been crying. 

The memory felt painfully sharp in his mind, slicing through the more sluggish thoughts that had clouded it. It had been so peculiar that he’d been half convinced that he’d dreamed or imagined it, but he remembered the feeling of something wet against his shoulder and the sudden, tempestuous fluctuation in Hux’s emotional state _extremely_ clearly.

Naturally, neither one of them had commented on it. He suspected Hux had tried to disguise the involuntary spasms as the aftereffects of orgasm, and remained silent as he carefully ran his fingers through his hair. It felt very soft when it wasn’t gelled stiffly in place, and earlier in the night he’d noticed a sprinkling of freckles on Hux’s cheeks, extending to the bridge of his nose. He’d taken a moment to consider why he’d never noticed them before, and the reason soon became obvious.

He hadn’t noticed the freckles because they’d been _invisible._ When Hux had emerged from the bathroom in the morning his hair was immaculate and neatly combed, and his freckles were again concealed beneath a smooth layer of expertly applied make up. It was no surprise that Kylo Ren wasn’t the only one who felt more comfortable behind a mask.

_“Matt.”_

“I’m fine. I was just…thinking.” Zack was frowning at him. _“Really._ ”

“You’d better be, because I need to get back to the bridge. Even if General Hux _is_ in a good mood today, I doubt he’d tolerate tardiness.”

“Hmm,” the stormtrooper began speaking with his mouth full before swallowing loudly. Over the last few days, Matt had noticed a lot of the stormtroopers did this when they talked over food, but this one was chattier than most. “I thought I saw him smile earlier. It was kinda creepy.” Matt made a disgusted noise.

“Well, you certainly won’t hear me complaining,” Zack said. “He actually approved my request to take a weekend off to spend time with my family. Things have been…difficult, since…you know. It sounds strange to say, but it’ll be good to have the chance to grieve properly.”

“I’m…sorry,” Matt muttered. The words caught in his throat like bile, a bad taste he couldn’t purge himself of. 

“Thanks, Matt.” Zack stood, ready to leave, and put a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve really been here for me when I needed to talk. I appreciate it.”

“Zack, I-” He was _not_ looking forward to that announcement…but at least he could take some comfort in the fact that there was one person – the most unexpectedly _important_ person – who had accepted Matt as Kylo Ren, or was it Kylo Ren as Matt? He honestly wasn’t sure anymore.

“Yes?” Matt forced a smile.

“No problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is actually interested, I did a drawing of the first part of this chapter, which can be seen here (nsfw, naturally!): http://venatohru.tumblr.com/post/139294557741/venatohru-have-some-sketchy-nsfw-kylux-yes


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd hoped to update this sooner but Life™ happened, so thank you for being patient! 
> 
> Matt's running out of time and...things get a little bit weird.

_Hux folded his glasses carefully, and handed them over, remaining absolutely still as he heard the frame snap cleanly in half._

_“You’ll be wearing these now.” His father handed him a small packet containing a pair of contact lenses and solution. “All flaws, impurities, and…mutations must remain hidden. You have to_ look _perfect.”_

_“Yes, sir.” The lenses felt like heavy drops of water and the boy in the mirror was no longer blurry._

_Both of his eyes were blue._

 

* * *

If Kylo Ren had hoped to get more sleep, it had been in vain. He’d _known_ this when he’d agreed to spend another night in Hux’s quarters, but he couldn’t have predicted just how restless Hux would be. He still didn’t understand how the man stayed _awake_ for so long. If it had been anyone else he might have assumed they’d taken a nap during the day, but Hux was the last person to slack off, even when Ren could _feel_ his body demanding rest. _Mind over matter._ It was admirable, in a way, or at least it would have been if it weren’t keeping him from his own rest. He rolled over to face Hux.

“Some of us need to allow ourselves more than two hours sleep.”

“You could leave,” Hux smiled thinly, draping an arm over him.

“Or you could just sleep like a normal person.” Ren traced one of his cheekbones lightly with a fingernail. “It can’t be good for you, getting so little rest.” Hux laughed softly. 

“You weren’t so concerned about my wellbeing last night.”

“That’s simply not true,” he said, kissing Hux’s forehead. “In hindsight I _probably_ needn’t have used the entire bottle of lube but I was in fact _very_ concerned for your wellbeing.”

“So _that’s_ what that was… There I was simply thinking you were clumsy.” Ren gave him a playful shove.

“Next time I carry you back to the bed I’m _dropping_ you.”

“You’re assuming I’ll _let_ you do that.” He paused for a moment, digging his nails into his palms. “I find it difficult to get to sleep.”

“You’re not kidding.” Hux was more comfortable than he’d expected. It looked like he wouldn’t have to probe his mind for an answer after all. It was odd. It was also odd that it hadn’t occurred to him until now to wonder exactly _when_ it was that he became so interested in why Hux couldn’t sleep. He recalled the laughter of a wookie when Ben Solo’s mother scolded Han for not taking better care of himself while he was away. They were always bickering, but even when he was too young to understand what they were saying, Ben had been able to perceive the kindness nestled beneath the harsh words.

“I can’t stop _thinking._ ” Hux might have been reasonably at ease, but Ren knew that he wouldn’t tell him what it was that invaded his thoughts – not voluntarily. Carefully, he dipped into Hux’s consciousness, hesitant to delve too deeply into his innermost thoughts. Simply glancing into the mind of someone with an especially potent imagination, a mind this forceful _,_ was exhausting. But he _needed_ to know. 

_Whether a new simulation has been correctly implemented into the soldiers’ training regime. Numbers. Anomalies. Things his mother said to him years ago. Fingerprints. A single green eye. The chaos of the Republic, the disorder of the galaxy-_ Taking one of his hands in his, Ren kissed him again, this time on the lips.

“I’m not sure I can really stop that,” he murmured, barely pulling away to roll Hux onto his back. “But I _suppose_ I can distract you for a while…if you promise to let me get _some_ sleep this time.” Hux’s lips twisted into a smirk. 

“I _suppose_ we can come to terms.”

 

* * *

 

“I see what’s in your mind. And it…is… ** _stupid_**!” Tim – _that_ was that idiot stormtrooper’s name _–_ crashed into the soda machine with such force that the impact caused it to short-circuit, sending sparks soaring through the air around him. Force-choking him had drained his cheeks of their usual colour and he’d received a bump to the head, but otherwise he appeared relatively unharmed. Matt imagined that whoever designed the stormtroopers’ armour must have had _some_ idea what they were doing, even if they clearly lacked anything resembling good taste.

He must have been walking for a good five minutes before becoming aware that he’d stormed out of the cafeteria. He found himself outside General Hux’s office, still shaking with rage. He couldn’t go in there like this. He _wouldn’t._

“There you are!” Turning to face the crewmember he’d spoken to the other day served only to darken his mood further. “We’ve been looking all over for you, Matt. It’s time for you to make your _announcement._ ”

_No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to disappear. I don’t want Matt to disappear like Ben. I don’t want to-_

 

He was back in the cafeteria. He didn’t know how he got there. _Memories, thoughts, images – sharp fragments that cut like glass._ He must have walked, but couldn’t _remember._ His lips began to move, but it was hard to tell who was talking.

“I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys. I’m not _Matt._ I’m…”

 

_…_ Kylo Ren was in Hux’s office, looking at the other man from behind his mask. It felt restricting, but he didn’t want to take his helmet off. It kept people out, but it kept him safe.

“Take it off,” Hux said again, each word dripping with something deeply unsettling. _I don’t want to. I don’t want to-_

He took it off.

_“Get out.”_


	9. Chapter 9

_Despite the urge to throw up, the pulsing headache, and the fact that his eyes felt as if they might pop out from their sockets, Zack could feel himself beginning to lose consciousness. He vaguely remembered one of his instructors telling them not to struggle, but that didn’t seem to be helping him now. He didn’t even know if the usual rules applied when it was the spectral hand of the force sadistically crushing your trachea. His last hope before the room went dark was that_ this _wasn’t the way his son had died._

 _All because_ he _was the one General Hux had sent to inform Kylo Ren that “his presence was no longer required” on Starkiller Base._

 

* * *

 

Lieutenant Mitaka approached the General’s office slowly, wary of the noises coming from within. When the doors opened he was surprised to see no trace of Kylo Ren, despite _extensive_ damage to the console. The whole room was buzzing with an unstable energy.

“Lieutenant,” Hux said, his voice softer than usual.

“Sir. Za- He’s unresponsive, but…alive.” He stared straight ahead, as though Mitaka wasn’t there. He’d noticed him doing that recently, since he’d heard the senior officers talking about what happened to the General’s mother. He didn’t mention it. He probably wasn’t supposed to have heard about it anyway, and whatever the case, he didn’t think Hux would appreciate anyone bringing up the loss. 

“Is…that all, Sir?” Mitaka received a brief nod of acknowledgement before he was dismissed. Even if Hux was behaving strangely, at least he hadn’t had to deal with Kylo Ren this time.

With Mitaka gone, Hux winced as he pulled his right glove off. The hand was swollen and some of the leather clung stubbornly, peeling skin off with it where the sparks from the console had landed. Parts of his hand were red and blistered, others scorched white. The pain was distracting, and a distraction was what he needed.

He took out the first aid kit he kept for such occasions and carefully applied a cool, translucent green gel. He couldn’t recall what this particular ointment was called, only that it came from his home planet – or, at least, the place they’d lived before fleeing to the Unknown Regions. Hux wasn’t sure he’d call it home. He tried to remember what it had been like as he wrapped a linen bandage around his hand, but he’d only been four years old when they left. He had very few memories of that life, and some of them were of things he preferred not to dwell on. 

His mother had told him a story about butterflies – although now he understood that it hadn’t been about butterflies, not really. A white butterfly had settled on a rock in one of Jakku’s deserts. It flapped its wings precisely three times. That was how the first of the storms known as _X’us’R’iia_ was born. He thought of her gentle smile when he’d asked if the butterfly in the story was _R’iia_. That was a different story, she’d said.

He hadn’t wanted to think about his mother. His memories of Aoife Hux were not unpleasant, but that was exactly the problem. On the other hand, it was still preferable to thinking about Kylo Ren or, perhaps worse _still_ , his father.

It hadn’t been the best few days.

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. _“Again.”_ No reply – not that he had expected one. Zack was comatose, though the bluish tinge to his lips had faded to a healthier colour. Even when Ren had used the force in an attempt to coerce him into consciousness, he had not stirred. But he _was_ alive. It was lucky that the camera crew returned when they did. He’d dismissed their suspicions with a swift wave of his hand, but their presence _had_ forced him to stop what he’d been doing. There was still a chance he could make this right.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden shiver of anger and a pain that was not his own. He didn’t need to look over his shoulder to know who’d entered the medbay.

“You should have come to me _yourself,_ ” Ren snarled, glaring at the bruises on Zack’s neck. Once again, it was difficult for him to reconcile Hux’s tone of voice with his inner turmoil.

“Tell me, Ren - do you ever think of _anyone_ but yourself?”

“Why do you think I’m _here_?” he snapped. “And what did you do to your hand?”

“What?” He instinctively tucked his right hand into one of the pockets of his greatcoat as he read Zack’s charts. Was _that_ all he’d come here for, when he could have easily ordered them to be forwarded to him?

“You’re favouring your left hand.”

“That’s none of your concern.”

“Why wouldn’t it be? Let me see.” He hadn’t expected him to be cooperative, but it still hurt to watch him recoil. “I just want to look.”

“Don’t touch me.” Hux was trembling, like the time they’d met in the corridor outside his quarters, his physical form finally reflecting something of the flickering, conflicting emotions within. Ren took a step back, holding his hands up.

“I thought you knew who I was.”

“How _could_ I have known that?” Hux hissed. He ran his left hand through his hair, seemingly annoyed at the carelessness of his gesture. “I’d never _seen_ you before. _Nobody_ had, aside from Leader Snoke, I presume. Or perhaps _he_ was surprised as well.”

“When…when you said you-“ Ren paused to clear his throat. This didn’t make sense. “You said you’d watched some of the documentary material. Then…why _were_ you angry?” If he noticed the hesitation before Hux spoke, he didn’t comment on it.

“I was annoyed at having to sit through such complete and utter _tripe._ Stars! You spend _several_ minutes talking about Ky- _your_ physique. It’s insufferable.” It was tempting to mention that Hux had seemed rather fond of his physique but, miraculously, he managed to keep his mouth shut until the General turned to leave.

“Hux, I…it _was_ real. We had a connection.” He shook his head, correcting himself. _“Have_ a connection.” For a quiet moment the air around them felt lighter.

“You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not enamoured by the idea. You did, after all, try to _kill_ the last person you said that to.”


	10. Chapter 10

Nobody noticed when Zack regained consciousness, the day after the destruction of the Hosnian system – the same day Hux’s father paid a visit, and Kylo Ren returned to the base carrying a young woman. 

It was a strange couple of days.

“Your mother’s accident was unfortunate,” Brendol said, with a voice that was close to being convincing.

“Indeed. _Accidents_ often seem to happen around you.” He sipped his tea, as he met his father’s gaze. Brendol’s ice blue eyes mirrored the colour of his contacts. “You ought to take care, _sir._ ” 

“I always do,” he smiled thinly. “And I could say the same of you. Was it Jenkins who fell down the elevator shaft, or am I thinking of somebody else?”

“Sylveste.” That had been a particularly brutal death. She may have made a poor captain but, politically speaking, she’d been a worthy adversary. The least he could do was remember her name. Jenkins, on the other hand, had, of his own volition, charged right into an ambush. He decided to change the subject. “How’s Deedee?” He hated that droid.

“The same as always,” Brendol replied, frowning - at the oddity of the question, no doubt. “I hear that rogue stormtrooper has been causing more trouble.”

“That-” He faltered for a moment wondering how his father knew about that when he had taken _great_ pains to keep any information regarding FN-2187 a secret from him. He drank the rest of his tea before setting the cup down on the nearest coaster and scrolled through a document his datapad to avoid looking at his father. “That matter has been dealt with.”

“Oh? I suppose if you don’t _need_ my help, I’ll leave it in your capable _hand_ , General _._ ” Hux did not care for his tone, but for some reason couldn’t bring himself to speak, and froze as he felt his father’s hand brush against his forehead, sweeping a stray hair back into place. Spidery fingers lingered uncomfortably on his cheek, a mockery of Ren’s touch. Hux felt sick. “Though, if I may make another suggestion, you _really_ ought to find yourself a new…speechwriter.”

“…Yes, sir.”

 

* * *

 

The scavenger girl was light – even lighter than Hux. _No, concentrate. Don’t think about him now._ Of course, proper nutrition would be something of a luxury for many of Jakku’s population. Though she was lean her body was toned, indicating regular physical activity, and during the pursuit she had proven to be quick on her feet.

“Where am I?” _Fear, anger, hatred, confusion._ Kylo Ren took the time to study the features of the girl he’d heard so much about. He’d had ample opportunity to examine her while she’d been unconscious, but people were a great deal more interesting to him when they were awake.

“You’re my guest.”

“Where are the others?” She couldn’t see him roll his eyes behind his mask.

“You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? You’ll be relieved to hear I have no idea.” _Fear, anger, hatred, confusion, **curiosity**. _ “You still want to kill me.” It was hardly surprising. Everybody wanted to kill him nowadays.

“That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask.” A creature? _That_ was how this scavenger saw him? Was that how people saw _Kylo Ren?_ At least Matt had been a real _person. Maybe that was why…_ He paused for a moment to consider her, releasing a silent sigh before reaching to unlatch his mask. What did it matter if _one_ more person saw his face? 

When he looked into her eyes, it was like looking through a mirror into the past. 

 

* * *

 

 

Hux recalled the last time he’d booked time in the simulation room. It had been around six months ago, after an ill-timed luncheon with his parents. This time, he picked a different scenario. He’d designed this particular simulation – a standard sniping exercise – himself. In fact, it was one of his very first creations. Situated in a dense forest map, the aim was to assassinate all five Resistance leaders within the time limit, while attracting the least possible attention.

Even if he hadn’t been the one to design it, it wouldn’t have been an especially difficult exercise. As _certain_ people within the Order liked to remind him, he hadn’t experienced the thrill of a real-life battle scenario. But he was quick, quiet and a good shot. He fancied his chances, if it came to it. 

He crouched in the undergrowth with his rifle, steadied by the makeshift bipod he’d constructed from fallen branches, and waited for the final target. He resisted the urge to scratch his right hand. It was mostly healed from its encounter with the console, but the itching was still an annoyance. He shifted slightly so that the sun was no longer in his eyes. It was artificial, yet the sun here seemed more _real_ than Starkiller’s blast ripping through space and time – not that he had much to compare it with, having spent much of his adult life on a snow planet. All Hux remembered of Arkanis was rain.

Range to the target, wind direction, wind velocity, altitude, temperature, elevation…all of these were factors that needed to be considered to ensure accuracy. A fraction of a second before he made the shot, he blinked, picturing his father’s face. For the first time, he missed.

The target stumbled as they clutched their side, movements panicked, eyes searching desperately for their attacker. Hux aimed higher and fired a second time. Their eyeball ruptured as the bullet entered, and blood splattered on the pale trunks of the trees behind them. When he looked closer, he saw that the bloodstains looked like butterflies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to everyone reading, leaving kudos and taking the time to leave comments! I'm terrible at replying, but seeing people enjoy this and reading the lovely things you have to say make my day, seriously <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue from the film here to (hopefully!) help tie some things together and give some sense of timeline, but the next chapter will be set post-TFA :)

“Tell me about the droid.” Rey tried to reply, but she couldn’t get her mouth to work right away.

“He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator-”

“He's carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest, recovered from archives of the Empire. We need the last piece. And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you. You. A scavenger.” _How do you know this?_

“You know I can take whatever I want.” Her head throbbed; dread crawling behind her temples as he reached out to her. In spite of his tone, there was something calmer beyond it all. In that moment she sensed the rage, the hostility…and love the likes of which she could scarcely imagine.

Then it was gone, and all that remained was pain.

“…You’re so lonely, so afraid to leave…” Through blurred vision, she thought she saw the corners of his lips twitch. “At night, desperate to sleep...you imagine an ocean. I see it - I see the island...” Her eyes stung something fierce, but that was nothing when her head felt as if it were about to crack open, spilling every thought, every secret into his hands.  

“And Han Solo… You feel like he's the father you never had. He would've disappointed you.” His expression softened, but his touch was still cold.  

“Get out of my head.” He leaned closer, a shadowy behemoth looming over her. “I know you've seen the map. It's in there... and now you'll give it to me. Don't be afraid. I feel it too.” Rey felt something _crack_ but it wasn’t her head. 

 _“I’m not giving you anything.”_  

 

* * *

 

  _I’m Kylo Ren. I’m Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren. Kylo…Ben._ Ren was shaking all the way to the assembly room, barely managing to regain his composure before entering. _Ben is dead,_ he reminded himself, over and over. And yet…he knew what he had seen reflected in her eyes. 

“This scavenger resisted you?” Leader Snoke’s words were laced with the sweetest poison he’d ever taste. “She's strong with the Force, untrained but…stronger than she knows.” His thoughts drifted to Ben’s uncle before Leader Snoke’s voice cut through them with the dreaded question. 

“And the droid?” He hesitated, and wasn’t sure whether he was lucky or _un_ lucky when someone else answered for him. 

“Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us.” Ren turned to confirm the speaker’s identity, as if the sudden bristling sensation hadn’t been enough of a clue. “That the _girl_ was all we needed…” Hux said something else, but he was too intent on avoiding the other man’s gaze to listen properly. 

“…tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system.” 

“Good. Then we will crush them once and for all. Prepare the weapon.” _No. No. No, no, no._

 _Nononononononono._

“Supreme Leader,” he began, choosing his words as carefully as he was able to. “I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.” The prickling feeling mixed with something like tenderness, then concern, but Ren kept his eyes on Snoke. 

“If what you say about this girl is true…bring her to me.”

 

* * *

  

Something was wrong. His behaviour had become even more irrational than usual since he brought that… _scavenger_ to the base.

 _“Ren.”_ Foolishly, before he could stop himself, Hux gripped Ren’s wrist before he had time to storm through the corridor. He braced himself. But what he hadn’t expected was Kylo Ren looking back at him with widened eyes and an expression that reminded Hux of a cornered kybuck. 

“You don’t _understand,_ ” he hissed. “It’s not _real_ to you. You just press a _button_ – or order _someone else_ to press a button – and that’s it. You accept responsibility without knowing what it entails.”  Hux felt that strange, ethereal touch again, and _now_ he understood when Ren pressed his hand to his cheek, with surprising gentleness and a flurry of images, as he opened his mind to him. 

 

 _A warm energy that ebbs and flows between them, wraps around them, embraces them. Too bright, not bright enough. It looks like his greatcoat, but bigger._

_Red scars through the sky. The silent sound of a billion screams. A sudden sense of nothingness that burns bright with anguish._

_“You’re afraid.”_  

 

Ren pulled back, confused, both of them rattled by the shared memories. It was utterly unlike any of Hux’s own perceptions, and he had no wish to repeat the experience. It wasn’t altogether clear to him whether that was due to his distaste for the memories themselves or for the intense intimacy of it. 

“You were…jealous?” Was that a statement or a question? Ren didn’t seem any surer than he was.  

“I hardly think Leader Snoke gave me reason to-” 

“No. You _know_ what I meant.” Ren shook his head, almost grinning despite it all, as though the final piece of the puzzle had finally fallen into place. “That feeling…it was the same as the time in the corridor outside…” Hux stiffened, tightening his grip on Ren’s wrist. 

“I…was all that just for you to look inside _my_ mind?” Ren seemed earnest enough as he shook his head a second time. 

“ _Please_ ,” he muttered. “I have to go- this is tearing me apart.”  

“Wait.” When he looked back, he couldn’t be sure _why_ he did it. Perhaps it was an aftereffect of their memories overlapping, or excitement at the prospect of eliminating the opposition once and for all. Maybe he’d simply _wanted_ to kiss Ren just then. 

He kissed him more gently than when he’d thought he was Matt, lips barely touching at first. It was Ren who broke the kiss, but not before his hand found Hux’s, their fingers intertwining. 

“I have to go,” he repeated, but this time he smiled as he squeezed Hux’s hand. “But…I’ll be back when we’ve crushed the Resistance.”


	12. Chapter 12

He’d never been so cold in his life. He managed to open his eyes for a few seconds, taking in a whir of steel and a flash of red…before something jabbed him in the arm and he was somewhere else.

* * *

 

  _It’s still cold._

 _He saw Han Solo fall, again and again, even though his hand was still on his cheek. He brought his own hand up to peel it away from his face, but it wouldn’t budge. He should have left the mask on._ _It’s snowing. He doesn’t remember going outside, but there_ can’t _be snow indoors. He needs to find the scavenger, but that damned_ traitor _is in his way. A flash of blue._

 _“That lightsaber. It belongs to me!” He knows he’s said the words before._

_“Come get it.” His guts feel like they’re going to spill out when he moves, coils of intestines tracing his path through the forest, melting the snow beneath and staining it red. His face still burns where his fa- where Han Solo’s hand remains, invisible._

_The rest is a blur._

_The girl from Jakku cuts the hand away from his cheek, but it doesn’t stop burning. Another flash of red when he opens his eyes, and a butterfly that seems out of place. He closes them again._

_And opens them._

* * *

 

“Hux?” His voice was hoarse. He lifted a hand to his cheek. 

“Careful, Ren.” He remembered those words from another time as well, but the tone was different. A quick scan of his surroundings told him he was in the medbay on the _Finalizer_ – their flagship, at least, had survived the Resistance assault. 

“I…I killed Han Solo. My-” 

“I know.” When Hux moved closer to the bed, Ren noticed he was wearing glasses and started to laugh. That hurt, too. 

“They’re not as ridiculous as _yours,_ ” he said. “I’ve had more pressing concerns than replenishing my supply of contact lenses over the last few days.”

“Like watching me sleep?”

“I…have checked your status on occasion, yes.” 

“And…you came back for me.”

“I was ordered to,” Hux replied, a little too quickly. Ren smiled, despite the dull ache in his cheek.

“Did Leader Snoke order you to tell me bedtime stories, too?”

“Excuse me?”

“The butterflies,” he said, finally realising where the butterfly in his dream had come from. That kind of butterfly was native to a particular part of Jakku – no wonder it had seemed so out of place in the forest. “They caused the X'us'R'iia-”

“Actually, it was a single butterfly. I suppose I’ll let it slide, since you _were_ unconscious at the time.” Hux almost smiled, a self-conscious kind of smile. “Before you left, I…” He paused, fiddling with his glasses. “I’m…not good at this.” 

“Come here.” Ren gestured with his left hand, prompting Hux to perch on the edge of the bed. “No, _here_. I can tell you _want_ to.” He hesitated.

“Has no one ever told you it’s rude to look inside someone’s head without asking? And no, perhaps it’s not that I don’t _want_ to,” he said, biting his lip as Ren’s hand moved up his thigh. “I’m merely concerned that any…particularly _vigorous_ activity could aggravate your injuries.”

“How about _non-vigorous_ activity?” Ren smirked, ignoring the half-hearted reprimand. He pressed his hand to Hux’s cheek, opening his own mind to him again. He couldn’t express in words quite how pleasing it was to see the hint of colour that rushed to Hux’s cheeks. _Please._

Ren groaned as Hux moved onto the bed, careful not to apply too much pressure as he straddled his hips.

“I’m fine,” he reassured him. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt.”  _I’ll let you know if it does,_ he added silently. Hux nodded, still trying to get his head around their shared consciousness. Ren began unbuttoning his trousers - he could manage to do  _that_ for him at least. Hux’s hands went to remove his jacket. 

“No. Leave it on,” he said, his cock twitching as his mind was flooded with all the times he’d fantasised about fucking the  _General_  in his uniform. “Leave the glasses on, too.” He took one of those hands in his, recalling the first time Matt-  _he_ had been with Hux like this.  _Touch yourself._

“Only when you do.” Ren smiled as Hux shifted his weight, giving him room to push down the regulation pyjama bottoms. He started stroking himself slowly, looking Hux in the eye before glancing back down.

“Don’t tell me you’re  _shy_. You must have done this sort of thing  _all the time_  at the Academy…” Hux snorted.

“Hardly.” 

“Please,  _General.”_ Ren was surprised how quickly  _that_ got his hand moving. He could tell Hux was trying to be careful, but the movement still sent a small jolt of pain through his side. He didn’t care.

“Hmm, I wonder what I’ll do  _first_  when I’m out of here. Ride you  _hard_  or fuck you  _senseless,_ ” he looked back up at Hux, with a smirk. “… _again._ ” Hux’s expression didn’t betray him, but Ren felt the slight yet sudden irregularity in his movements, noticed the way his hair had fallen out of place.  

“I couldn’t think about anything else when your speech was broadcasting on the  _Finalizer_ that day _,”_ he continued, knowing Hux knew  _which_ day he meant.

“…What?” Hux frowned at him, perplexed.

“I told you, I- I like your voice,” he gasped as Hux - this time  _very_ deliberately - rolled his hips. “I like it when you get all riled up and excited like that. It’s…hot. It … _I’m_ going to make you feel that again. _”_

“Is that a promise?” Hux asked through laboured breaths, his eyes still fixed on Ren’s. 

“Yes. I’ll mess up your hair and your uniform, and you won’t care because you’ll be coming sohard you wouldn’t notice if there was a  _bantha_ in the room.” Ren’s attempts at dirty talk left something to be desired.  _Who mentions_ banthas _in this kind of situation?_  Yet Hux found he was stroking himself faster and harder, letting out noises that sounded disconcertingly like  _whimpers_ and biting his lip as he focussed on Ren’s face.

“Hux-” Incapable of forming coherent thoughts, let alone words, Ren settled for finding Hux’s free hand with his and squeezing as he came over his knuckles. He pressed two of the fingers to Hux’s mouth, eliciting another whimper when they slid past his lips, watching his eyelashes flutter against the lenses of his glasses. As Ren thrusted his fingers between his lips, the action was mimicked _much_ lower down by that otherworldly touch – that touch that was still _unequivocally_ connected to _Ren_ – he was becoming so familiar with. Unable to bite his lip or muffle the sound, Hux came with a noise he found _almost_ as embarrassing as the time Ren had held him up against the wall, before collapsing beside him.

“Was that…along the lines of what you wanted to tell me?”

“I suppose, in a manner of speaking…I can’t say I’d entertained a discussion of _banthas._ ” Ren rolled his eyes.

 _“That’s_ the detail you decided to pick up on?”

“Not the only one. I _am_ a stickler for detail.” Ren rolled over to face him, planting a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose.

“You must be _appalled_ with the state of your uniform.”

“Shut up and go to sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be the last chapter, but it started to run long, so it's getting split into two ;)


	13. Chapter 13

_“_ _My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart.” -_ Jarod Kintz,  _This Book is Not FOR SALE_

 

* * *

 

Hux was still there when he woke up, though Ren couldn’t be sure whether that was a  _conscious_  choice, since he’d managed to wrap his arm tightly around the general’s neck while he was sleeping. In any case, he didn’t seem too aggrieved at the situation. His bandages, as well as the grey bed sheets, were stained in places from when his stitches had come undone during the previous evening. It turned out Hux _had_ been right, as he so often was, about more _vigorous_ activities aggravating his injuries, even though it’d been a couple of weeks since he’d been discharged.

“Are you awake?”

“Mmm.” Hux moved a little closer when the grip around his neck loosened, his back pressed against Ren’s chest. 

“Turn around.”

“Ugh, why? I’m comfortable.” He felt Ren’s lips stretch into a smile against his neck. _I want to look at you._ “Again, _why_?”

“I just do.” Hux let out an exasperated noise as he rolled over, and brushed his fingers through his hair, presumably in attempt to make it look more presentable, more _orderly_. Unfortunately, without products to hand, this was a hopeless endeavor. Ren touched the bridge of his nose, lightly dragging his fingers over the freckles.

“That’s touching, not looking.” _I like touching you, too._

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” He felt one of Hux’s fingers graze against his cheek, just shy of the angry line that sliced his face in two.

“Do you…still like it?” He felt foolish, almost embarrassed, when he heard the words leave his mouth. It was such a _Ben_ thing to ask.

“Like what?”

“My face.”

“Of course…did I give any impression to the contrary?” Ren released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. 

“Just checking.”

“What about you? Do you still like mine?” Hux gestured to his mismatched eyes.

“Very much so,” he grinned. “Blue and green _both_ suit you…what made you choose blue?” He felt Hux’s body tense up beside him.

“ _I_ didn’t.” _Your father?_ “Yes.” Ren shuffled towards him, closing what little distance was left between them, and wrapped his arms around Hux’s shoulders. Although he didn’t know all the particulars, sometimes Ren wondered if perhaps Ben’s childhood hadn’t been _so_ very awful after all. _Not that Han Solo…_

“Was it your mother?” he asked tentatively, stroking Hux’s hair. “Was…was she the one who told you the butterfly story?”

“Yes,” Hux murmured, his voice almost lost in the warm nook between Ren’s neck and shoulder. “Mother was very interested in that sort of thing… _no,_ not butterflies. Deterministic chaos. She was a physicist.”

“Was?”

“She…” Ren could tell he was forcing himself to say the words. “She died – was killed – a few weeks ago.” Somehow, Ren found he knew the date without asking. 

“I’m…sorry. You should have mentioned it.”

“People get old and sick. We’re at _war_. People are dying every day.” The fluctuations in Hux’s emotions, which were both gradual and sudden, exposed a rather different feeling. _That’s not what happened._ Hux sighed, seeming much more tired than he had been a few minutes ago. “No, it’s not. He killed her, and I don’t even know why.” Ren didn’t have to ask who _he_ was or why he’d murdered Hux’s mother the same week they’d begun filming _Undercover Boss._ But he had a lot of other questions. They _both_ did.

“Do you want to find out?” 

“I don’t know.” Knowing couldn’t change events that had already transpired, and curiosity, as his father had always reminded him, _killed_ the cat. And yet…he couldn’t quite let go of the belief that the _truth_ was somehow as necessary as the destruction of the Hosnian system had been. Hux had questioned a great deal of things lately _– too_ many things – but that was one of the few truths he could hold on to. Sensing his increased discomfort, Ren changed the question.

“What _do_ you want?” Hux sighed again, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I don’t know,” he said a second time, nails digging into his palms before Ren stopped him, a large hand sliding into his. “ _This_. If this can even work…”

“I’m not sure either,” Ren said softly. “But…I want to try.” He felt a gentle wave of warmth push towards him through Hux’s grief.

“So do I.”

“Then it’s settled. Before we decide anything else, there’s something else.” Hux gave a knowing smile before Ren nuzzled his hair. Sometimes the white butterfly would flap its wings once, twice, even _thrice_ , and the weather would turn out _perfectly._

“Crush the Resistance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone who stayed with me until the end of this, I'm glad that you enjoyed it and a little emotional now that it's over...for now at least ;)


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